So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize