Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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