MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
