It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Randomize
