Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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