Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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