fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
