Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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