Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
