I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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