o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
