nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
