Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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