I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
