I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
