I CAN MOONWALK!
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
