i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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