The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
