I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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