How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
