I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
