i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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