DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
