i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
