I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
