How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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