I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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