i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
