Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
