Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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