So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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