I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize