why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Houston, we have a squirter
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
3pm strippers are depressing
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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