Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(410): View more from Maryland

Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.

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(563): View more from Iowa

She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual

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(407): View more from Florida

The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.

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