If i come over, it means nothing
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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