i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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