while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
