party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
well you can't waste a boner
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
