he wants to bone in the snuggie
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
