I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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