There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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