woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
