I wish life had little blips of pornography
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
