she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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