I met the friendliest cop last night
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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