i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
