I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize