Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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