apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
