And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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