The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
