grandma shit on top of the toilet
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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