4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
