I cut my penus on the lid.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
